Saturday, August 16, 2014

A Season of my Soul

The weather is unseasonably cool and refreshing for mid July in Georgia. My mind feels clear and focused. I can breathe with ease, turn my head without feeling dizzy.  I wonder what caused this sudden blessing of clarity and freedom from the bondage of constant inner turmoil and pain.  I think the weather is different.  I am different today. Can this be the end of a time of struggle?

With hope in my heart I listen to the night sounds of Katydids, crickets and tree frogs singing their nightly songs on a cool breeze through the open window and feel contentment cover me like a soft blanket and I thank God.

Overcome with gratitude I get on my knees and pray a prayer of thanks and praise to the one who showed me what it was to need him and I promised I will always need him.

On this day that felt so different I was given a gift. God speaks to me through books that I stumble upon at a garage sale or thrift store.  He speaks to me through His word and through others I happen to bump into.

Today He spoke to me through a poem in a book I found at the thrift store.

Helen Steiner Rice is one of Gods greatest poets. I've been collecting her books. Last night I got an email advertising a sale going on at a website for used books that I like. I popped over and found one of her books, "Blessings".  I ended up not buying it and while searching the book section at the thrift store I found it.  I always know it's God when something like that happens.  So I had to get it to find out what God wanted to tell me.

The very first poem I turned to was "The Seasons of the Soul".  It is about the soul having seasons just like the year.  I read it over and over focusing the most on the last two lines.

We too must pass through the seasons God sends.
Content in the knowledge that everything ends.

I suffer from panic disorder and recently when I had a panic attack that was one of the worst I had in years my son was with me.  He said the words that I needed to hear at that moment.  It will end.

He also said something that touched my heart and I felt the presence of God in him.  I was crying that I must be so weak to not be able to beat this thing that tortures me. He said he thought I was one of the strongest people he knows.

He said, to live with what I live with and still live life, work, take care of my elderly mother and aunt, take care of him all his life as a single mother with panic disorder;  to bare all the stress of daily life while battling panic daily and not fall completely to pieces makes me the strongest person he knows.

He knows I run to God every day but He also knows in the heat of the moment of a severe panic attack I can't think to even remember to call out God's name until I come down a little.  So he knows what it takes to live in my skin and in my head.  I looked at him with awe and relief and gratitude that someone understood. God gave him that understanding and those words to say to me at that moment.

God gave me a confirmation during devotion time with him.  
A poem.  
It will end.  
It is a season.  
A very long season but still a season.  20 years long.  But maybe it it finally coming to an end. Or maybe the season of sadness that dealing with panic disorder brings is going to end.  I may still have the panic but it may be that I will have less panic and sadness and have more joy and happiness.  I don't know for sure yet since I have felt like this for only one day.  Actually 2 days with a short bout of panic this morning.  The rest of the time I felt a lightness.  A clarity.  A balance.

I feel blessed and loved.  Content.

Ultimately I turn my thoughts to what my God did for me, how he suffered and died on the cross for me, how he rose again and sent the Holy Spirit to comfort me and help me.
How he said he will never forsake me.

And I feel blessed and loved.  Content.

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